The Justice Department is considering moving terrorism trials out of Manhattan. Reasons for this include not only the problems of security and disruption, but also a broad feeling among Department lawyers that Boston has better chicks, Omaha has better Indian food, and its damn near impossible to get a cab in the Financial District after 6pm.
January 29, 2010
Anti-American avatar Howard Zinn has died, but that hasn’t inhibited his activism. His next book, A People’s History of the Afterlife, will expose the dark underside of Heaven with special attention to the racist and classist implications of cherubs’ clothing as well as a critical reexamination of Satan, inquiring as to whether his depredations were merely understandable reactions to Western colonialism and American hegemony.
Osama bin Laden has issued a statement expressing his concern for global warming and condemning the United States for its role. Though his operations are funded by his inheritence from a construction conglomerate and his 9/11 operations introduced thousands of tons of pollutants and vaporized body parts into the atmosphere, bin Laden’s residence in mountain caves has certainly reduced his personal carbon footprint to the point where he has more credibility as Al Gore does.
As of the time of this snark, it remains unclear whether bin Laden will issue a fatwa against SUVs or whether this is presumed to be covered under his existing sentence of death to all infidels.
January 28, 2010
In a high-water point for the power of oratory, Chris Matthews “forgot [President Obama] was black tonight”. Apparently, the tingle in Matthews’ leg has grown to a buzz loud enough to eliminate his higher brain functions. Obama’s challenge in his next speech is to get people to forget supporters like Chris Matthews even exist at all.
Building on Justice Alito’s famous mouthing, Sen. McCain was seen mouthing, “blame it on Bush”. And Sen. Carl Levin was seen mouthing, “I’m bored” shortly before nodding off to sleep. Incoming Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown also seen mouthing, “Hey! My daughters are still ‘available’, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.” Sen. Al Franken seen mouthing, “who the hell put me right behind the generals? Stinks of Brut and Ben-Gay over here. Ugh.”
Pro-lifers outnumber pro-choicers 500-to-1 at an abortion rally in San Francisco. Said one frustrated pro-choicer, “those bastards just keep breeding faster than us. It’s not fair.”
California voters support cutting prison spending instead of education spending. However, because the primary purpose of prison in California is to teach criminals how to be better criminals, lawmakers cleverly plan to cut prison funding and direct the proceeds back into prisons.
Justice Alito seen mouthing “not true” in response to President Obama’s claim about Citizen’s United. Justice Breyer seen mouthing “OMG!!!! He iz sooooo cute!!!! LOLZZZZ!!!!” Justice Scalia seen mouthing a dinner order for filet mignon, medium-rare. Justice Stevens seen just gumming himself quietly.
January 27, 2010
Progressives in the House are pressuring Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to save the health care bill by modifying it to make it even less popular than the current bill. Next on the Senate agenda: Mandatory remedial math courses for House progressives.